ON MY FAITH IN GOD

I am not someone who necessarily has to make a living through art, nor does my life revolve solely around it… By nature, I am open to various groups of people; I am not a snob who dictates to others how they should express their lives, faith, or calling, but I am perceptive to good and evil.

I have a neuromuscular disease—Muscular Dystrophy—which prevents me from doing many things in life. Therefore, based on what I have been through, I do not believe that art is the ultimate meaning of my life. It is merely one of the tools to tell people who I am, even though art touches me from many directions. My mission in life is rather to show people the essence of being, the meaning of life, and the way to God—even through art—rather than just “living” art in which one might not find meaning.

One only needs to look at me—I have already started using a wheelchair—and it often makes people pause and think. Various encounters and situations arise that carry significance. We are not here just by chance.

I believe I have many talents that I do not fully utilize due to my illness. One of them was, and still is, writing. I confess I haven’t written anything about myself for a long time; I don’t keep a diary or anything similar… Many things in society have started to annoy me, including my own silence—the fact that I let my presence work silently on others so they would act, instead of me. I was like a quiet guide, silently showing people the way to God, but perhaps it is time to start writing again…

So, I will get straight to the point… I will describe a few passages about how, for example, my faith in God began to develop from childhood until today.

I am a creative person, but I simply cannot manage to live, lead, care for others, and create all at once. However, I try to live life as it comes, without separating these parts of me…

I believe that talking about faith in God still makes sense today, because so many people are overwhelmed by themselves, their problems, and their successes. Their lives are under immense pressure, and I would like to do my part to alleviate that pressure—to point out that life in this hurried world has meaning, even by starting to write about myself again and being as open as possible. I wasn’t always this way. In essence, I am honest deep down, especially before God.

Because “strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.” (The Bible)

Faith came into my life somewhat naturally and unforced, unfolding as I grew older.

My writing style will likely be refined as I continue to write, so the content might change slightly, but the essence will remain. I hope I can do this.

There is a time to write and a time to act… Facebook is a display case where people try to promote the best or worst of themselves in an attempt to please the bubble or to hurt others.

I am “free”; I don’t feel a great need to please people, but as I get older, I guard my privacy on social media more carefully.

Perhaps this narrative will bore some, but those who are truly curious will read on…

My first experience with faith was with my grandmother, when she used to pray the Rosary next to me in bed before sleep, using a small prayer book… She had many such books, as well as statues of the Virgin Mary and Jesus. I spent a lot of time with her in my childhood… she took special care of the firstborns, I don’t know why, but I felt good with her; I learned a lot from her. She gave me much that was both practical and spiritual for life. I rarely went to church with her—I think I was only there with her maybe twice in my life—but we often went to the cemetery together to water flowers, etc. I couldn’t go to church with her because my father didn’t want me to; he was a policeman, a communist, and a member of the city council during the communist era. My parents weren’t interested in faith and didn’t lead us toward God in any way.

But my experience with my grandmother remained. Even though as a child I didn’t understand the Bible or those numbered verses, I spontaneously began practicing faith for the first time in the seventh grade of elementary school. During every break, I would go to the restroom to pray briefly and cross myself. My classmates didn’t know; they only saw that I had distanced myself from them, sitting alone in the very last desk. I finished that seventh year with honors, while I slacked off during the others.

Later, during high school at seventeen, I first met an eighteen-year-old Christian (a Baptist from Komárno) and a fifteen-year-old Catholic from Lučenec at the spa in Rajecké Teplice. It was my first spa stay after being diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. (My life suddenly became somber then; I fell into depression, began to withdraw from people at school, and became more of a loner. My physical strength and pace couldn’t keep up with healthy people, so I immersed myself exclusively in my studies and was just glad to finish school. It was a period of fear, shame, and coming to terms with the disease. It started drawing me toward a deeper inner experience, toward reflections on life and humility; suddenly, the essays I used to dislike began to flourish. Perhaps life arranged it so that I met a few believers who pushed me forward in the spiritual realm.)

Just for fun, I let the Catholic boy teach me the “Our Father” and “Hail Mary” prayers. The Baptist girl sent me a copy of the Old Testament by mail, which I didn’t understand at all. It didn’t inspire me; the few sins and wars I noticed there actually terrified me. At that time, I was open to various Eastern religions. I remember meeting a sprightly, nearly ninety-year-old woman in Rajecké Teplice who practiced Hinduism and held seminars there. Once she came to my room, and I let her unblock my chakras… while I was looking at an Easter postcard with a picture of Jesus. At that time, I was able to “send” my headaches or toothaches away into the rain; I learned to read dream books and palms, which I tried practicing on others. Some people at the spa let me read their palms, though I mostly did it according to a book. I was also interested in high-quality, serious horoscopes based on date, time, and place. This was my “spirituality.” I practiced yoga, Tibetan exercises, and meditation; I had a little altar at home, quotes on the wall, my paintings, and that postcard of Jesus… When my mother saw my interest, she bought me a book. I once reached a peak in meditation for a few seconds, but never again. I couldn’t grasp Eastern religion in practice; it was just a type of exercise or meditation. Once, I went out onto the balcony at night to meditate, but I failed—my thoughts kept leading me back to the creation of the world, the earth, humans as two genders (male and female), the creation of nature and animals… and then nothing but emptiness.

My search for the meaning of life and God intensified alongside my suffering.

I perceived God more as someone who had power over our lives, a supreme authority whom I feared, yet I would pray before every car trip for Him to protect us…

At another spa stay, I met a girl with muscular dystrophy from Košice who was organizing a trip to Dedinky. It was a trip for people from eastern Slovakia with neuromuscular diseases and a few healthy assistants—young people who went for long hikes with us. They prepared a program for us; it was great. In the evenings, we played games or had bonfires. At that time, I was practicing Buddhist meditations. One evening, the girl from Košice caught me meditating in our room. She was slightly taken aback but said nothing… only that she used to meditate too. Later, at the end of the trip, I found out that those healthy assistants were Christians (and still are today), and that it was an integration camp—a project the girl was working on as an economist for a Christian NGO (ECAV). At the end, they gave us farewell packages, including a small blue book called a “Gideon”—the New Testament and Psalms. I told them I had a Bible at home but didn’t read it. I looked into that blue one, and on the back page, there was a space to sign your name. So I signed it.

On the way home, I thought about a thank-you letter. Back then, there was no Facebook or Messenger, so I started writing letters to them. When I began reading that Gideon Bible at home, I started to understand it. My spiritual eyes opened, and I understood the New Testament as a message about life—a real spiritual dimension that had been hidden from me. I began to enjoy it; I was amazed that this spiritual state didn’t fade away like it did with Buddhism, but was permanent. Gradually, I discovered the secrets of Christianity deeper and deeper… I understood that Jesus had been hidden under the dust of religion and church buildings, but my condition revealed Him in the Scriptures. I understood who He originally is, who He was, and who He is to this day… it works!

I realized I was essentially on the “narrow road” mentioned in the Gospel of Matthew that leads to life… through wars, news, family situations, my illness, depression, sadness, etc. I understood that in the Gospels, Jesus deals with life, teaches, and speaks about life. We didn’t have any philosophical books at home, only my father’s encyclopedias, sci-fi, and detective stories. We didn’t talk about these things at home, so I essentially found what I was missing. A few biblical verses stuck in my memory. I understood that God, as the supreme authority in all existence, has a plan for humanity and the Earth. He became man, came to this Earth to show us the divine nature in His Son, Jesus Christ, so that whoever believes in Him could live like Him, have a new resurrected body, and have a new resurrected life—to be spiritually and physically resurrected like Jesus and live eternally with God the Father after death. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life… (Romans 6:23)

Reading the New Testament, those verses made sense to me… I began studying the Bible more through Christian courses, highlighting verses with colors and markers, making cards with questions and answers about life and God’s character. In this way, God was essentially reprogramming my mind. I learned who the Holy Spirit, God, and Jesus are, who we are as people, and why we are here. I sat on my bed or at the table and studied for three years. I learned to pray aloud, to lead sincere prayers in my own words. I always came across the right literature; a friend sent me bags of Christian books, and the girl from Košice gave me magazines from the NGO where she worked. I joined these young people and occasionally wrote for their magazine. Sometimes I wrote letters with opinions that were on the level of sermons. Outside on the street, I became more perceptive and courageous. Sometimes I intervened in family situations by leaving sticky notes on the fridge or doors with specific verses that perhaps cut to the quick… my father started reading the Bible a bit when he saw me studying, but it didn’t last long.

Eventually, my faith connected me with young people in Košice, and I left home at 24. They created a space for me in a newly established Christian bookstore with a modern design. Books, music, CDs, DVDs, handmade items… I loved it. I could create my own products and sell them. I contributed to their magazine and helped with office work. It was a team that led regional centers across Slovakia; we were the headquarters in Košice within the ecumenical movement. I learned to grow spiritually there. I was most interested in Christian psychology books from publishers like Porta Libri and Návrat domů. I was able to empathetically help people choose literature or find the right verse for their life situation if they wanted to talk and be encouraged. We went to conferences, courses, camps, and festivals. I learned a lot; it moved me forward spiritually, even though some situations were dramatic. Everything could be overcome through faith. God worked through these people even though they weren’t perfect.

A few disappointments came—differences between what I learned in the Bible and what I saw in practice. I tried to resolve it. The environment was overwhelmed with programs for youth and families, but God still acted through it. However, I believe one should have a more personal relationship with God, as I did through the Bible at home. Everything has its levels, falls, and progress. To this day, I need to live in accordance with the Bible. I still attend groups where we learn from the Scripture and pray together. We deal with our life situations in the context of the Bible in smaller, personal groups, as well as through sermons. We live in this world, yet in faith. God is still acting. I haven’t described every area of life in detail, but it all comes back to a person; one builds a spiritual house on the rock of Christ’s teaching. I could answer so many topics; we know so much. God builds people for His kingdom, which is not of this world. I would have to create a separate page just for this topic if I wanted to tell people everything I know about God.

Later, after working at the NGO, I moved on to focus on my own creation and business, connecting with the art community outside the church. I felt it was time to pass on what I had learned. I started connecting with people from the art world on Facebook, sharing testimonies and stories about God—short and long. I immersed myself more in the contemporary world while staying in touch with the Christian community, keeping a certain distance. I was like a bridge between two shores, showing the way to God. Currently, I focus more on family, my own art, painting, handmade work, and daily life. My health is declining, and my activities are limited as suffering increases, but my spiritual life grows. I am maturing, and I still have work to do, but everything has its time.

Last year and this year, I had to say goodbye to my parents; they passed into eternity. Questions arose in me whether I had done my best for their salvation. After my mother’s death, I looked into things about rebirth and “between heaven and hell” testimonies on YouTube, because essentially there are only two paths: heaven and hell. It is important to speak directly with people about these things; it’s about eternity. Even if someone appears to be a believer, they can miss the mark if they are not born again. Jesus said: “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world… Preach the gospel to all the world… make disciples of all nations.”

I am more of a quiet observer, a writer, and a doer who lives her life and senses the atmosphere in society. I let myself be led by God and try to hold onto the essence of the Bible in its full context. I make mistakes too, but I try to be honest before God, bringing them daily to Jesus and the Holy Spirit in prayer, asking for forgiveness and trying to make things right. It is as important as reading the Bible.

The truth is, the only thing that still excites me on this earth—besides life with God and people—is creating: art, fashion, and creativity.

I have written this briefly and to the point, but life is more than writing… it is about the present, daily challenges, surprises, inner strength, love for existence, and finding answers. It’s about God, joy, and suffering. I try to be… sensitive.